waste of time
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15. HIS MUM
Don't tell her she's only 15th, she'll kick my ass.
14. LEGO MINIFIGURES
I have 8,000 in my collection. This is arguably sad.
13. DUELING BANJOS
Da-la, dung dung dung, dung, dung dung dung.
My invisible friend, who lives in my toilet cistern.
11. ROCK WAR
Buy your exciting copy today!
10. WALKING INTO SAUNAS AND SAYING: 'MY GOD, IT'S LIKE A SAUNA IN HERE'
Good healthy food...
08. MILK CHOCOLATE
Should probably be higher, given how much of it I eat.
07. CONTEMPORARY ART
The wackier and more offensive the better!
06. GOING BACK TO WHERE I USED TO WORK AND REMINDING MY OLD BOSS THAT I NOW MAKE WAY MORE MONEY THAN HIM.
05. NATURAL BORN KILLERS
My kinda movie. You're probably not allowed to watch it.
04. FAIL ARMY
'Cos I basically have the same sense of humor as an eight-year-old.
I love the smell of Nespresso in the morning.
Indisputably the finest football team in the world.
01. LAS VEGAS
Simply set all your books in your favorite city, then spend three months per year doing research in casinos and five star hotels!
14. CATH KIDSON
My personal hell is decorated with Cath Kidson wallpaper.
Except Book of Mormon, which is ace.
Especially ones that sneak up on you, baked into bread.
11. WASHING UP
One time my dishwasher broke, it was the worst.
10. PEOPLE WHO STEAL MY TROLLEY IN IKEA
Death is too good for them.
09. BBC COSTUME DRAMAS
In vain, I have struggled to watch this bilge.
08. HOTEL CUSHIONS
350 people have had sex on them since they were last washed and now they're sat on your nice clean bed.
07. SUPERHERO MOVIES
They've made a gillion of them and they're all the damned same.
06. FANCY RESTAURANTS THAT SERVE TINY PORTIONS.
If I'm paying £100 for my dinner, I want steak hanging off both sides of my plate.
05. GREEN VEGETABLES
If god had meant us to eat cabbage, he wouldn't have given us Snickers bars.
04. THE COUNTRYSIDE
People go on and on and on about how great it is, and when you get there it's just a bunch of muddy fields full of giant killer cows and there's never a Nandos or KFC if you get hungry.
"I know," the sandwich shop owner said, "Let's smear every single thing we sell in fatty, vinegary, white sludge!"
02. ROMANTIC COMEDIES
I'd sooner jab a hot fork in my eye.
01. PEOPLE WHO STAND IN CHECKOUT QUEUES FOR TEN MINUTES, THEN START HUNTING AROUND IN THEIR BAG TO GET THEIR MONEY OUT AFTER EVERYTHING HAS BEEN SCANNED
Get it ready while you're waiting, you imbeciles.
TEN THINGS I'D LIKE TO DO BEFORE I DIE
BY ROBERT MUCHAMORE, AGED 45½.
1. Rampage through a shopping mall in a tank.
2. Build my own Las Vegas mega casino and call it The Muchamore.
3. Buy Tottenham Hotspur football club, sell all the players and have their stadium bulldozed and converted into high-rise apartments.
4. Buy my own Airbus A380, fit it out with mahogany and gold and then use it to travel the world campaigning on environmental issues.
5. Snuff out the Olympic torch just before it arrives at the opening ceremony.
6. Go into a Starbucks and start a massive punch up. The whole place gets trashed, but I emerge without a scratch.
7. Sneak into Downing Street and steal the door off No10.
8. Melt David Walliams with a giant space-based laser.
9. Become the 4th Powerpuff Girl.
10. Think up number ten for this list.